This is the archive for January 2009

You can't be serious....

So yes, I acknowledge I have been really down, more than usual.
I also appreciate the folks who've been kind enough to send me notes of concern- thank you
they really mean a lot to me !

This weekend was tough, Adam and Jenny had a going away party, which really made things
hit home. Sunday I picked up cleaning supplies and packing material and I tried to get a start on things.
It was just so hard, sitting there and wonder do I need that or should I throw it away.
After several hours, I threw out a ton, but saw it didn't even make a dent.

Folks that know me, know where I work and have seen the news... it's ain't good, 10% reduction in staff, no merit increases (not even cost of living), oh and what wasn't mentioned in the news, no bonuses...
Several folks were saying "what were you expecting? at least we have a job" And I can appreciate that perspective. It's a tough time, but we made substantial amounts of profit, the company as a whole just
missed the Wall st. predicted growth.. So why weren't the bonuses just decreased?? We certainly weren't short of cash. My group along with many others hit and exceeded our numbers. But the company as a whole, just didn't make "enough profit"

With out that money, I am having to pull out a calculator and try and figure out how to make up for it. I'll be ok, but it's just sooo going to be difficult as I'm going to need so much cash up front, to pay off my car, and get it back once I sell it again. Then pay for scooters transport, my transport and shipping fees, and then apartment fees, and god knows what else to get set up.

Oh and yeah, I might need a job by then too.... The stress has been horrible, this has to go down as my worst year ever. What else can go wrong :-(

January 20th, 2009

Today I may have watched history.
Yesterday I listened to Martin Luther King III when he said the United States was now following in the footsteps of South Africa in electing a black president.

That struck me as wow, it is that far behind....
I remember watching Nelson Mandela being released from prison in Paarl after spending 20+ years on Robbin Island in 1990. I remember him walking out alone, coming out to give a speech to the world, a frail man, determination was his strength. A humbled president F.W de Klerk announced his release, in the background on the tv broadcast was a haunting song whose lyrics I can remember but can't remember the name of the song. The bridge was "Mandela, Nelson Mandela will be free", not the trashy 80's AKA Free Nelson Mandela song.

Four years later he became president of SA.
I even remember him coming to Dublin to give a speech, an amazing man, whose most startling quality is his dedication and temperament.

Today the US celebrates the end of a truly insane regime, and the coming of age, G.W. Bush is but a distant nightmare, and Barrack Obama (or Barry O'Bama as most Irish people have nicknamed him) has taken the oath of office, and is now the first black American president.

Is the color of his skin important? For the world no, for the US yes.
I watch today with pleasure an enormous crowd, as large as the entire population of Ireland descended upon the Washington DC Mall, maybe 3 x 3 mile patch of land.
They stood, they watched, they waited, for a miracle, an end of hatred, oppression, fear. The realization of Martin Luther King II dream? (Personally I think it's too early for that, but it's damn damn good start ! )

I wish I could have been among them, but I wouldn't have been able to handle standing that long, or be able to deal with that crowd.

This will certainly go down in my memory with the Berlin wall, Mandela, and I guess also Robinson when I think about it, perhaps not to the same degree, but significant all the same.

The world is not fixed just yet, there is a hell of a lot broken, and no one man can fix it, but maybe, just maybe the idea, the principle, the dream of that one man, may just do it.

January 20th 2009, Washington DC
Feb 11th, 1990 Robbin Island & Paarl South Africa
August 28th, 1963 Washington DC

Where next?

I don't know

Got the results of my dad's last scan today, it's status quo in terms of the tumor.
That's not the worry though, we were told that wasn't what would get him, he would
either weaken, or it would metastases.
He's refused chemo right now, he's just too weak, doctor apparently didn't argue.
Also found out that there is a counselor visiting my folks at home, and she's somehow
making waves and causing a lot of distress.

She's demanded that my dad remains upstairs in bed
he generally gets up and takes a walk every day. She doesn't want that??

She recommended that he doubles his medication???
The doctor quashed that idea!

She also said that all of us should prepare to come home, but the doctor has said otherwise...

I don't know what the hell is going on, and I'm getting a little cross about it, it's the first
time I've heard of this counselor, and I'm thinking it's the standard old Irish 'feck it and forget it'
mentality. I've told my mom, if she's making wild suggestions and doctors are disagreeing with her
get rid of her. I'm going to be on to the rest of my family over the weekend to give them hell
and find out why I wasn't told about this. I am really annoyed about this!

Other than that, weather is getting to me, might be looking like Dr. House for a little,
found it a little hard to walk scooter this evening, but took him out for a very short walk. Hope he's not going to be hyper tonight.

Had a bizzare thought last night

Was lying in bed last night, when it suddenly struck me.
I don't think I've got a black suit that fits me anymore. The last one I had, I bought
in London many years and many pounds ago, the jacket still fits but not the pants.

Bought a couple of suits during the summer as well, for some weddings and things
got fitted for them, but it didn't occur to me back then to get a black one.

Part of me doesn't want to- it's like trying to cling onto the smallest ray of
hope, and by being prepared that I'm giving in..


Going offline for a while

I'm going to take a little time to myself, past couple of months have been bad.
And I've really been in a slump, and just not able to dig myself out of it.

Something I didn't know how to fix, got worse and well I've now lost all hope of fixing it...
It's gut wrenching, I'm lost.

Dad's health is also up in the air, have been talking about heading home, the family
have asked both my brother and I to hold off. They're concerned that if we go back, he'll
feel that things are worse, and that we the family are expecting the end... And knowing my
dad, they're right. I've agreed to hold off until we get the results of his next exam. He hasn't
been able to regain any energy after the last time he was in hospital. And from what everyone's
at homes been saying, it's scaring the crap out of me. Got to try and find someone who'll help
me with scooter in case I've got go.

There's a third item, it always comes in three's - and that's something I've got several months
of planning, and unbelievable expenses to try and deal with, and the timing is so shit, even an additional couple of weeks would have helped a lot.

Sorry about the negative post, just wanted to tell folks I'm not going to be available for a while
it's not personal, probably not going to be online that much.
My sideline stuff has to take a back seat, as I've got far too many other things to sort out.