My Brain

My dad was 74, and has been battling cancer for the past two and half years...
He went into hospital nearly two weeks ago, as a shunt in his esophagus was causing some problems.
Doctors operated, and he came out very weak, at that stage, we were told he had between 2 and 6 months.
But he was far too weak to leave the hospital.

Then last Wednesday he started to hemorrhage, doctors gave him hours, but my dad held on. Thursday night he slipped into a coma, and passed away Friday at 8pm GMT.
It's hard to find solace...

It is such a weird feeling- lots of things happening right now.
Dads health is really really bad, doctors have said if he pulls through this week, then it could be anytime from a few months to 6 months..
Dealing with some INS stuff right now, which leaves me in a weird status for 3 to 6 months, not where I want to be, not with dad being the way he is :-(
But for those who are no longer with the company, here's my leaving note:
--------------------------------------------------
I must say, after spending nearly 10 years reading leaving messages, I still never fully thought
about what to say in mine till now. :-)
I had considered asking Hal to do it... I am still convinced BOFH is based on him..
But I shall take a stab at it myself

Synopsis: Friday I'm outta here ..
Drinks: Thursday 28th, Sweetwater, post work.

Ok still with me?
It's not without a heavy heart I take my leave, just shy of 10 years, and that little plastic water filled running man statue.. really disappointed I didn't make it.
But I think I leave just when there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel for this blasted, but great-little-big company :-D
Am going to be taking a few months off, before I start my next adventure, or at least that's the plan.

A couple of notes of thanks..

UK Folks, Nick & Rich especially, take care guys, gonna miss ya. Have one in the Albion on me *cough*

Muintir na h'Eire- go n'eirigh on bothar libh, taim cinnte go bualigh linn aris.

US folks- Wow huge list of folks to thank,
-Torgie thank you for so much, you & your now much bigger family really helped me feel like I could make a home here !
- Mr. King, thank you for bringing me here in the first place. However I shall never use AOLServer again!:-)
- Andy/Jay/Dianna, thank you for letting me be one of the amigo's, I shall miss working with you guys.
- PJ, the phrase 'bless your heart' will always remain with me, and I shall continue to use it in the most evil sense possible.
- Linux Chick... I ain't fixing no more flipping tcl.. but shall miss working with you all the same.
- Mr. Rohr, doubt you're on this list anymore, but still enjoyed the shouting matches non the less !!
- Anita C., Ping, uggh everyone that I can't honestly remember right now, I will miss you of course :-)
- Mandrews, dude if you call me Scotish once more, or txt me @ 4am about SOB..... will slightly, just ever so slightly miss your craziness.

*Tips pimp cup in memory of fallen homies* From the old East Point Dublin, Hammersmith London, Orbital, and Dulles campus there's a lot of old friends gone- IE/UK/DCI/WSP etc.. I thank you all.

Local & Search you've been my home for the past few years, and I really appreciate having that environment to grow in, it was truly great.

Lastly, the wear sunscreen moment..
The one and only task I leave you with, you the individuals built this company, you remain in touch with the users, you know how to make it great again. Don't just accept orders from your superiors, challenge them for more. If the idea doesn't make sense, question it, and provide one that works.
You are the biggest stake holder in this company, and don't ever forget that.
If they still don't get it, give them hell !!!

Yours humbly
Patrick O'Leary
polearyuk

Ok, I think karma is out to get me...
Nearly had a big accident on the way into work this morning. Driving down Elden, when some guy pulls out of one of the turns in's to the shopping strip. That's generally ok, I was on the left lane, except he kept coming...
The next thing I see is his front tire coming over the white line, towards my front tire. Literally he was going to side swipe me, I had to swerve into on coming traffic to avoid getting hit, and just braked before hitting the traffic island....

I didn't even have time to sit on the horn and shout profanities at him!
Had to pull over and take a breather after that- holy crap, I could have had a head on collision less than a mile from my apartment...

Got to the gates at work, just to realize I left my badge at home :-(
Turned around, got it, got to my desk, to realize I left my laptop in the car, on the 3rd floor of the garage....
I don't know what the hell is going on

This was a tough week, trying to figure stuff out at work about what happens in June
when I need to move. It felt like there was no movement, I wasn't cc'd on anything, and was waiting, and waiting and waiting...
Finally we talked, and it was just a mess, I appreciate the effort they put in, but there were drops in communication, stuff wasn't researched, it was just frustrating.
It wasn't going to work out, so I told them I will continue until the end of May, but I just can't give any more energy to this.

Talked to my mom this morning, she was telling me that dad has asked to stop treatments, he can't manage the trips to the hospital anymore, let alone what the treatment takes out of him. There was just the sound in her voice that was heart breaking. I honestly couldn't bring myself to say anything.

I just can't believe how fast time is flying, seems a little unfair.
I'm finding it very hard to get to grips with the things I need to take care of, I need a project manager for my life. Went to a sneak preview exhibit, where one of my photos was being used, wasn't sure what it would be like... It was kind of cool, but just anti-climatic, my photo was on display on a digital screen for maybe 20 - 30 seconds and then gone... Oh well, still was my 5th photo thats been published so that's nice at least.

Speaking of being published, I was asked to write up something about local/spatial lucene for the upcoming Lucene In Action II book, being published by Manning in September. Couple of refactors, but came out really nice I think, looking forward to seeing that on the shelves. (No money involved, I get a free digital copy of the book though :-] ) Have also found over the past couple of months that there's been a huge amount of articles written about local / spatial lucene. Even with folks commenting directly about me in some articles, I'm a little shell shocked.

Work is.. well yeah, this coming week is going to be the week, at the end of it I have to make a call. A decision has been pushed right to the wire, I'm out of time and I'm tired of swimming up stream.

Granted I've not had much positive to write about in a while, and I'm sorry about that, I can't really be much fun right now.
Headaches, lack of sleep, have been plaguing me recently, now my stomach has joined in on the party.
Don't know what's going on, I've been dropping weight, I had set a goal for weight loss, I just haven't been able to work at it. Somehow I surpassed that goal and I don't know how or why.

I have been feeling nausea in the mornings for the past month, and stuff just isn't feeling right. I really don't want to get anything right now, I've got enough to deal with.

Just tired recently, don't feel like I have the energy to do anything.
Found out that I was talked about in an article recently by the Apache Lucene / Lucid folks
http://www.lucidimagination.com/Community/Hear-from-the-Experts/Podcasts-and-Videos/Interview-Ryan-McKinley

Which is really nice to get.

I need to do up the resume, the market place looks so baron. Need to find a new place to live.
And sort out what to keep, sell and throw away. I've got so much stuff, almost my entire life is in this bloody apartment, and I'm going to have to get rid of so much of it.

Haven't been sleeping much, it feels like this throbbing headache won't go away.
I am just so tired

An article that describes what's happened to my home land with this economy.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29571605/

I often joke that Ireland went from the 1920's to the 1990's, there was no in between.

The 90's were good, but Ireland didn't know enough to invest in the future, it just sucked up all the money
it could. When I started working it was the 4th largest exporter of software in the world.
Somewhat like Iceland today, it just didn't know how to mange it's new wealth..

And it got hammered after the dot-com bubble, I was lucky to be in London at that time.

The world is shrinking, Ireland is about to be crippled again by greed. It frustrates me, it's an amazing place to grow up, I miss the sights, the clean air, my family there, but I couldn't live there again.

My heart is heavy.

My mom was worried this morning, she actually said to me that I should ensure that I have my passport
and stuff ready. Dad has lost a lot of strength and energy.

When I asked about when I should go, she told me not yet, she talked to the rest of my family and they're
urging to hold on... This is the first time I've heard my mom like this.

First thanks to everyone who sent me a note of concern over the news last week, I really appreciate it.
Your thoughts honestly do give me strength.

For those that don't know, my fathers health has been declining rapidly recently, last week he fell at home.
Initially he seemed fine, a couple of hours afterward he complained of some soreness, but it dissipated.
At about 4am that night, he awoke with sever pain in his stomach, mom called the doctor, and an ambulance had to bring him to the hospital.

It turned out that his blood had thinned out substantially. He's currently on Warfarin and a significant amount of other medication. So he was held over in the hospital.
When I talked to my mom, she was telling me the hospital he's in, was under quarantine because of a rampant vomiting bug. So she isn't even allowed in to visit him. If he caught that bug in his current state, there's no way he would make it. :-(

Also, because of the quarantine, they had to keep my dad in a ward that had mixed sexes, he really isn't able for this, I could imagine how embarrassed my father feels.
This is the third time since December he's been hospitalized. In my entire life at home, I can count in one hand the amount of times my father's been to the doctor, and still have fingers to spare.
It's been really hard to figure out how things really are there (at home), that and I've got other critical things to deal with myself..